What Do All Your Exes Have in Common?

By Taryn Galewind

Destined to Keep Dating the Same Type of Guy

Women often marry men like their fathers. That’s true no matter how good or bad their father-daughter relationship was, and the new relationship is often doomed to fail. Why do we do that, fail in the relationship, then do it again? We partner the same kind of guy, again and again, when we know such a pairing will make us miserable?

Experts say we’re attracted to men with characteristics that haven’t worked for us because, in our psyche, beneath our consciousness, we believe we can fix what went wrong the first time. Or the second. Or the third… Here’s how that works.

My father was a control freak. He believed that there are two ways to do anything – his way and the wrong way. He was a good man who loved his family in his way, but he felt he had to direct and micromanage. Not good for his offspring’s self-esteem. We grew up thinking we were put on Earth to do as we were told and to do it exactly to specifications. We were not supposed to reason at all; our purpose was to do the right thing.

I married a man who adored my father. They were wired the same way. When I met my mate, I saw the gentle, romantic, pleasing side of his nature and personality. My brain chemistry, designed to propagate our species, blinded me to the negatives, letting me bask in the things that made him seem like every woman’s dream. He looked sparkly and appealing.

As time went on, brain chemistry subsided and I discovered my spouse was like my father. He seemed to think my brilliance, which he had loved at first, had diminished. He was convinced I needed someone to point me in the right directions. I felt smothered and was determined to fix him. We were both wrong.

We acted out the clashes I had had with my father. Over and over, as I tried to convince my husband that his approach was wrong, I saw something confusing. In those arguments, I felt like the child my dad had scolded and yelled at. I felt powerless, incapable of making good choices. I desperately needed to defend my own capabilities—to my dad.

But I was a grown woman facing my husband, not my father. We had adult concerns and adult decisions to make. I was, and am, a capable woman, not an errant child. But somewhere, my psyche was still trying to close old issues with my dad and resolve the relationship I had had with him. I needed my husband to be like my dad, so I could finish the troubles of my childhood and heal myself. There’s a scientific name for it—the Placebo Syndrome.

Many women try to fix old problems in new relationships. Some women have even felt they repeated relationship challenges from a past life, another incarnation, and have sought help in past-life regression readings. But no matter where that past conflict took place, you will find it tough to have a healthy, happy, fulfilling partnership until you sort out the true nature of the issues you’re battling.

These problems we carry from one partner to the next can last a lifetime if we don’t find the core issue and close it. If you want success with a life partner, clearly recognize some things:

• Your past issues are in the past. Make peace with them—you can’t fix them through other people.

• There is only one person you can change, and that’s you. You can’t fix another person.

• When you have an argument or disagreement with a partner, spouse, or lover, remain in the present moment.

• Seek partners who treasure who you really are, allow you to grow, and desire to live in the present with you. Give yourself the gift of total acceptance, banishing the past to where it belongs. We can learn and grow from our experiences but we cannot travel in time to alter or adjust what has already happened.