"Child of God"

MOTHER: "Did you know that God was present when you stole that cookie from the kitchen?"

CHILD: "Yes."

MOTHER: "And he was looking at you all the time?"

CHILD: "Yes."

MOTHER: "And what do you think he was saying to you?"

CHILD: "He was saying ‘There is no one here but the two of us - take two.'"

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"Realism"

A gambler once said to the Master, "I was caught cheating at cards yesterday, so my partners beat me up and threw me out of the window. What would you advise me to do?"

The Master looked straight through the man and said, "If I were you, from now on I would play on the ground floor."

This startled the disciples. "Why didn't you tell him to stop gambling?" they demanded.

"Because I knew he wouldn't," was the Master's simple and sagacious explanation.

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"Going To Heaven"

A priest walked into a pub, indignant to find so many of his parishioners there. He rounded them up and shepherded them into the church.

The he solemnly said, "All those who want to go to Heaven, step over here to the left." Everyone stepped over except one man, who stubbornly stood his ground.

The priest looked at him firecely and said, "Don't you want to go to Heaven?"

"No," said the man.

"Do you mean to stand there and tell me you don't want to go to heaven when you die?"

"Of course I want to go to Heaven when I die. I thought you were going now!"

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