By Michael Norman
We all know this.
It’s the behaviors you routinely engage in that control your destiny, whether it be with your finances,
relationships, career, health, or in other areas of your life.
However, unless you’re the exception to the rule, you probably have behaviors that are holding you
back from greater success and robbing you from the full joys of life—and you find them very hard to
change.
This leads to the biggest gap in the self-help arena today.
1. We all know successful people do things differently than the rest of the population (whatever
area they have great success in—be it financially, romantically, professionally, with their
bodies and health, happiness, and anything else).
2. Because o f a great many high-quality books, courses, and seminars, we’re easily able to
learn what successful people do differently.
3. BUT, despite this, most people feel unable to actually change their behaviors and natural
inclinations for any significant length of time to actually emulate their role models and reap
the rewards.
On top of this, we all have things that we truly yearn to change about ourselves, but many of thos e
things just seem out of our control.
Well, I’m here to tell you that if you’ve ever been down on yourself because you can’t seem to make
the changes you dream of—i.e., you seem stuck, destined to be this way forever, and unhappy about
it—it’s really NOT your fault.
Why?
Because there’s nothing wrong with you.
You’ve just been taught an ineffective strategy.
Most of us have learned as we’ve grown up that the only possible way to try to change our thoughts,
behaviors, and habits is to try to change them directly.
When we get stuck in life, we try to behave differently.
The problem, though, is that when it comes to patterned behaviors—the habits that run the
overwhelming majority of your life—trying to change these things directly is actually NOT the most
effective way.
In fact, it usually guarantees you’ll experience struggle, guilt (from constant relapses back into the
behavior you’re trying to avoid), and a lot of pain.
So, what is the biggest secret when it comes to effortlessly changing behavior in a way that lasts?
Well, fortunately, it is actually very simple—start with your emotions.
Let me give you an example…
Smoking is one of the most difficult habitual behaviors to break, we all know that.
Most smokers try to give up smoking by attempting to discipline themselves to avoid having another
cigarette.
They try to resist their urges, and it’s very tough work.
If, however, the same smoker learns how to change the way he or she feels about cigarettes—from
overwhelming desire to disinterest or even repulsion—then suddenly he or she won’t need to fight
against the urges; the behavior will change effortlessly, without willpower.
A few more examples to think about…
How hard is it to act confidently when you don’t feel confident?
How hard is it to thrust yourself full throttle into life if you feel depressed?
How easy is it to appear calm and unflappable during a critical business negotiation, if inside you’re
stressed to the hilt?
Your Emotional State Is the Greatest Leverage Point for
Behavioral Change
Attempting to think or behave in a way that runs counter to the emotional state you’re in
is extremely difficult, no matter how much willpower you have.
On the other hand, it’s easy to act in a way that follows your natural feelings.
If you feel confident, for example, you’ll naturally and automatically act with confidence.
So why do people fight against their emotions when they can use them as a friend and
ally? It’s simple―no one’s taught them how our emotions really work. We learn how to
drive cars, surf the net, read and write―isn’t it time we also finally learned how to direct
one of the biggest controlling elements in our lives more effectively—our own
emotions?
These things are very, very difficult, aren’t they?
That’s becaus e attempting to think or behave in a way
that runs counter to the emotional state you’re in is
extremely difficult, no matter how much willpower you
have.
On the flip side, how easy is it to act confidently if you
really are feeling confident?
How easy is it to go out and consume life if you’re
feeling passionate, happy, confident, and truly alive?
How easy is it to be calm and unflappable in a critical
business negotiation if you really feel able to handle
anything with ease, and you’re coming from a calm, collected, and centered state?
These things suddenly become not only easy, but also effortless.
Why?
Because they’re the natural and automatic consequence of the emotional state you’re in.
Your emotions drive all of your behaviors.
If you only learn one thing from me, get this principle. Because if you learn how to direct your
emotions, everything else follows automatically.
The big question now, of course, is how do we change our emotions?
Isn’t that also extremely hard too; just as hard as trying to change behaviors directly?
Well, not if you learn a few critical insights and tools that make all the difference. And that’s where
we’re heading now.
To start with, let’s immediately clear up two dangerous misconceptions about emotions that most
people seem to have—misconceptions that can hurt, damage, and keep anyone stuck for years.
What are these misconceptions?
It’s all explained in the next point…
There’s a destructive belief that seems to be sweeping the globe.
It’s that our emotions “happen” to us.
For example, just the other day someone told me that even though she was happy and enjoying life,
she worried that in the future she might “get depression”.
As if depressing feelings are a bug that can infect someone!
I’ve also had clients tell me that they couldn’t help feeling the way they did because they had a
chemical imbalance. It was in their genes to be that way.
These statements don’t surpris e me, because I think that more than ever, we’re being hypnotized en
masse—by the media and so-called “experts”—to believe that we have less control over our own
minds and emotions than we really do. And I think it explains a lot of what’s going on in society.
There seems to be a growing population of people who are becoming more and more passive about
their own emotions. They’re blaming the way they feel on their present situation, or on their past, or
even on their genetics.
Well, if you and I are committed to actually being in control of our lives, we need to utterly reject
notions that make us believe that we’re just passive organisms at the mercy of outside elements.
Because the plain, perhaps politically incorrect truth is that we’re not.
You and I have the ability to have greater control over our lives than we’ve ever imagined.
I learned years ago, through seeing clients, that beyond a shadow of a doubt, even the most troubled
people in society have the ability to direct their minds and emotions in a way that allows them to be
happier, more fulfilled, and more in control of their own destinies.
And, if they can do it, then you and I certainly can!
So why don’t more people have greater control over their emotions?
Why do so many people feel stressed, depressed, angry, lonely, or addicted?
Why do so many people seemingly have very little choice about how they feel?
Well, the ans wer’s simple—we’ve never been taught how to direct our minds and emotions before in
order to awaken and harness the powerful abilities that we’ve all been born with.
Plus, our brains have been designed in such a way that if we don’t direct our brain, it will direct itself.
So, let me introduce you to the first secret to greater “Emotional Command”. It’s the first major lesson
when it comes to taking command of your emotions.
Logic Isn’t the Answer.
You and I have had many experiences when we knew we shouldn’t feel the way w e did, but we
couldn’t help it.
We had “head knowledge” that we didn’t need to feel the way we did, but it wasn’t enough, was it?
I’ve met so many people who could easily explain to me why they were stuck.
They’d read tons of books.
They’d scoured the Internet in search of knowledge.
Sometimes they even knew all the medical and psychological theories behind why they felt or
behaved the way they did.
However, they were still stuck. (And, often, worse off).
This is because information, knowledge, and insight usually have very little to do with change.
People can know why they’re stuck, what they should do differently, how they should think and feel,
but it’s not the same thing as actually being able to change.
Why It’s Critical You Remember Emotions Are Not
“Things,” They Are Processes
We’ll all do much better if we remember a big thing about emotions —emotions are not
things. You can’t “have” negativity, depression, or anger like you can have a table, a car,
or lungs. That’s because emotions are ongoing, dynamic processes. This truth, which is
beyond dispute, seems to have been utterly forgotten by mainstream understanding—yet
acting as if emotions are things makes it significantly harder to change them. This is great
for emotions you want to stick around—such as “I’m really enjoying having such
confidence," or talking about possessing “strength.” It’s very dangerous, however, when it
comes to emotions that you don’t want to stick around.
So, what is a process? Walking is an example of a process. You put one foot in front of the
other, your center of gravity changes, you fall forward, you rebalance, and continue. The
best part is that if you don’t like a particular place you’re going, you can change direction,
slow down, speed up and walk past that point, among other combinations. There are
variables where things can be changed inside a process, leading to a different result. It’s
the same with our emotions too. The only thing that makes emotions seem hard to change
is simply that no one has ever taught us how to adjust these variables. The good news is
that this is a skill you can learn, and learn quickly, so that you can have control over the
type of emotional landscape you move through.
The Effects of the Language You Use on the Way You
Habitually Feel
I’ve had clients tell me, “I don’t feel like getting out of bed, I can’t smile, and I can’t be
happy because I have depression.” I’ve never, on the other hand, heard a single person
say, “Hey, don’t expect me to be upset about this bad thing in my life—I’m only able to be
wonderfully positive, optimistic, and hopeful about my future—after all I have happiness!”
Why is it that the former belief system is common these days, and even seen as valid, yet
the later is non-existent and perceived to be silly? Could it be that we’re being hypnotized
en masse by fear to accept certain beliefs, because optimism doesn’t sell as well?
The process of giving names (nouns, or more specifically nominalizations in linguistics) to
our emotions solidifies them so that those emotions will become (a) more enduring and (b)
more robust and solid in our lives. For example, if you believe you “have” depression, it is
harder to change than if you describe, “Oh, I’m currently feeling depressed” or, “At the
moment, I’m not feeling so happy yet.” The language we use with ourselves is very
powerful because it is the self-hypnosis that runs our lives.
Because, again, logic (read: head knowledge) is not the answer.
If you have any doubt about this, then I invite you to go watch a really well-made horror film late at
night, by yourself, in a dark room. Discover if the knowledge that it’s “just a film” keeps you feeling
100% calm, relaxed, and full of peace of mind throughout the film. I think you’ll soon discover how
little of an effect “knowledge” has over your emotions.
So, since knowledge, information, and insight are not the answers, how do we effectively take
command of our emotions?
Well, I’ll get to those issues in just a minute.
First, though, I want to cover another important insight about taking command of your emotions that I
think everyone needs to know.
It’s that…
Every emotion you’ve ever felt was created inside your nervous system. It’s simply a biological and
neurological cocktail that you have manufactured inside yourself. And, even though it can feel as if
something or someone is “making” us feel a certain way (be it loved, happy, angry, stressed,
frustrated, passionate, etc.), all that thing or person is doing―at the very most―is eliciting an
automatic pathway inside our neurology, to create those feelings.
This is wonderful news for people like you and me, who are interested in getting all that we can out of
life.
It means that, if we learn how to elicit those same feelings from ours elves, we can have acc ess to
them whenever we choose!
You can feel as loved, as confident, as patient, as motivated, as focused as you’ve ever felt in your
life, simply by choosing to do so, if you learn how…
…because your emotions belong to you.
It also means that if you change the triggers that lead to an automatic pathway for a s pecific emotion
inside you, you can have the very same external events make you feel completely different.
A few years ago, I was asked by one of the doctors who refers patients to me to help one of the most
depressed people I had ever met; a highly suicidal patient of his who was locked up under 24 -hour
suicide watch in a psychiatric ward.
One of the first things the patient told me when I met her, was that she couldn’t ever remember being
happy, even once.
According to her, she had had a terrible childhood and an even worse life as an adult, and her
psychiatrists had told her why―she had a severe chemical imbalance.
After a little jovial prodding from me, for a few seconds she remembered that she had felt happy
“once” when she was a kid. However, she believed that, because of her chemical imbalance, she
wouldn’t be able to ever feel that way again.
So, I asked her to do one important thing. I asked her to remember that “one time” when she had
been happy. I helped her a little, so she got back some of the details , and guess what happened?
The same thing that happens with everyone—those same feelings of happiness she once had came
back into her body.
Within 10 to 15 seconds she went from being miserable to having her “second” experience that was filled with
Happiness.
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