The Benefit of Doubting

by Michael Webb



Several years ago a minister from the United States went to visit
one of his denomination's congregations in Africa.  When he got up
to the pulpit to preach he noticed by the style of clothing that
members of one of the local tribes sat in the front of the room
while those from a different tribe seemed to be forced to sit in
the back.

Knowing that there is much tribal animosity in the country, the
minister scrapped his notes and began preaching about unity, how
we're all one in Christ and how we are to love our spiritual
brothers. After the condemning sermon, the visiting minister sat
down and the local pastor leaned over to him and stated "Our
members sit in different sections out of much love and respect for
one another.  In our culture, it is our way of showing honor to the
visiting tribe by giving them the best seats in the church."

Had the preacher not jumped to conclusions, he would have saved
himself from humiliation and from offending the church members.
While he might not have had the opportunity to ask why they sat
apart before his sermon, he could have certainly done so afterwards.

How often do we make the same mistake in our relationships?  How do
you think your relationship is affected when you allow yourself to
get bent out of shape over what appears to be a rude waiter, a
slothful co-worker, an insensitive pastor or an uncaring mate?

Consider the following scenario.

You call your wife at home during your lunch break to ask her what
she's making for dinner.  She snaps back "I don't know.  Gotta run.
Talk to you later."  and then hangs up.

Instead of going the "Jumping to Conclusions" route, let's play the
"Benefit of the Doubt" game.

Could it be that:

1.  She is planning a surprise dinner for you and didn't want you
to know about it.  She got flustered at your call thinking you
might be on to her.

2.  Little Johnny is throwing up on the persian rug, lunch is
burning on the stove and someone is knocking on the door.

3.  She has awful cramps, a blistering headache and you woke her up
from a much needed nap.

4.  She is on the other line with a relative calling from Sri Lanka
at $3 a minute.

5.  She is right in the middle of a really good episode of Jerry
Springer (if there was such a thing).

When you arrive home you lovingly ask your lovely wife why she hung
up on you so quickly.  If her answer matches one of your "Benefit
of the Doubt" possibilities, you win.  If it doesn't match, you
still win because you didn't sit in judgment of her all afternoon,
brewing over the fact that she was a little curt.  And best of all,
you open a dialog of communication so hopefully any
misunderstanding doesn't happen again.

Athena and I like to play this game when we are out around town.
We come up with some great explanations why the Toyota SUV
just cut us off in traffic, why the cashier practically ignored us
and why our friends didn't return our calls.  Most importantly, we
try to do the same when we are confronted with potential "Jumping
to Conclusion" situations in our relationship.

Sure, we still fall back into our condemning and judgmental ways
from time to time.  But we are working at it.

If you find yourself regularly getting frustrated, angry or even
furious at others, it is possibly because you haven't considered
the benefits of doubting