To some extent, having social anxiety is normal. There are some
cases where fear is a natural reaction during certain contexts.
For instance, it's ok to feel a little giddy if you're at a
prospective employer's office for a job and you're waiting for your
turn to be called. Or maybe there was a time when you were jittery
because you had to speak or perform in front of a large crowd.
For scenarios like those, it's common for the average person to
feel a bit nervous from the anticipation. But what if the most
ordinary of interactions terrified you?
You've got a bigger challenge ahead of you if you're unnecessarily
wound up from simply talking to strangers in ordinary situations.
If the thought of chatting with the barista at your local coffee
shop makes you want to shy away, then you have to do something
about it.
You'll need a way to deal with this unusual amount of anxiety if
you want to have a better dating life. If it's difficult for you
to make small talk during "low pressure" situations, you'll
definitely have a harder time holding a full conversation during an
emotionally-charged event such as a date.
There are individuals who went through a phase of bashfulness in
their lives (such as childhood or adolescence), but eventually
outgrew it. Then there are people that had no problems with
shyness in the past, but experience social anxiety later on.
You see, fearfully reacting to a given situation is NOT who you are
as a person, but simply a BEHAVIOR that you can learn to OVERCOME.
Being shy isn't part of your personality; you're just having
trouble dealing with self-consciousness when made to face people
you don't know.
Besides, sometimes it's actually OK to hold back and evaluate an
unfamiliar situation before diving in. In some circumstances,
you'll need to have a good feel of the social boundaries before
saying or doing something.
Otherwise, you could risk offending the people around you or end up
embarrassing yourself.
However, there are unusual cases where a woman avoids interaction
in ANY situation in her life. For these girls, they'd rather not
talk to anyone because their shyness has become a "security
blanket" to protect them from committing a social blunder.
In short, this habitual anxiety can develop into a sort of crutch
to help someone get by. The problem is that you'll always pass up
the different opportunities and eventually regret not having
accomplished much.
Here's another nasty side effect of shyness: it can actually AFFECT
OTHERS, even if they're naturally outspoken!
If a cute guy started a conversation with you and all you did was
give him a bunch of "go away" signals, he'll feel uncomfortable -
or worse, rejected! It's pretty funny to think that you DO want
him to talk to you, yet you're simultaneously terrified by the very
possibility.
On a larger scale, a lack of reception or responsiveness causes
people to see you as snobbish, when in reality you'd make a great
friend (or girlfriend for that matter). It's tough for a reserved
person to want company since they LACK the social SKILLS to have
it.
So, just because you're shy doesn't mean you don't want to have
more friends or a quality man in your life. Therefore, it's
crucial to take the steps in ridding yourself of this excessive
shyness because it could be affecting the general quality of your
life.
If you truly WANT to address this issue, you'll have to PROMISE to
yourself that you'll do what's needed to pull this off. I'll walk
you through some very effective ways to eventually lose your sense
of fear in social situations.
# 1: Acknowledge your fear
Sounds simple enough, right? Well, it is. Nonetheless, it's still
very important to ADMIT to yourself that you do have a problem with
social anxiety.
How could you begin to deal with your social anxiety if you can't
even bring yourself to face truth in the first place? As such,
owning up to your shortcomings is the first step towards
self-improvement.
It doesn't make you less of a woman to acknowledge these things.
All you're really doing is facing a problem, just like everybody
else does.
Speaking of everybody, don't forget about the human tendency to
fear the unknown. It's pretty normal to feel some form of anxiety
if you're thrust into unfamiliar territory.
While the level of fear varies among different people, anyone
treading on new ground will inevitably experience a measure of
uncertainty, whether they like it or not. So don't think you're
defective in some way - you're simply coming to terms with an issue
and finding the strength to deal with it.
#2: Baby steps are better than big ones
Don't try getting into the thick of a large social occasion (like a
party) without any preparation. This sort of "shock therapy" won't
cure you of your anxiety!
Remember that you still need to work on your social skills before
moving on to the big leagues. If you rush too far ahead, you could
just be getting into an awkward situation when you run out of
things to say or freeze up during a conversation.
A better approach is to start off small and go from there. I
suggest you begin your "training" with minor things like chatting
up the bank clerk or the good-looking fellow at the grocery line.
Look around you - life is full of opportunities for you to initiate
a casual conversation with total strangers. It may not seem like a
big deal, but in fact, it's tremendously helpful in overcoming your
shyness.
(Just be mindful of good timing - you wouldn't be making good
rapport if you walked up behind someone in a dark alley just to ask
them what time it was!)
Just the other day, I watched an online video made by a guy who did
it as a sort of a social experiment. His goal was to approach and
start a conversation with at least twenty different people in a
shopping mall.
So he had a friend film him as he walked up to various strangers
and stated talking to them. At the end of the shoot, he explained
how LIBERATING it was to free himself of the fear of interacting
with so many people.
While I don't really recommend you to do that yourself, it does say
something about the value of developing IMMUNITY to social anxiety.
So the next time you get the chance to talk to someone you might
never see again, TAKE IT. If that feels like taking a huge step
for you, then it probably is.
What's important is that you're taking it anyway. Besides, there
are fringe benefits to be had as well.
Bonding with someone through talking can actually make your day a
little better. The act of having of a conversation is in fact a
pleasurable activity, so get out there and start chatting!
#2: Align yourself with outgoing folks
One of the other problems related to shyness is that such an
attitude only begets even more shyness. Like I said earlier, your
aversion towards conversation can make others uncomfortable, thus
causing them to be shy in the process.
So, another good solution is by hanging around people who have no
problems with shyness. Their outgoing nature is actually
contagious. It's just a matter of allowing them to "infect" you
with their positive energy.
Make an effort to be open to such people whenever they're nearby.
Whether it's the bubbly co-worker who sits next you at the office
or the equally effervescent attendant waiting tables at your
favorite restaurant, make sure to be receptive when they start
talking to you.
On another note, you can learn a lot from their easy and
free-flowing style of communication. You essentially have a better
shot at being better at something by observing the folks who are
good at it.
Pay attention to their body language: notice their big gestures,
uncrossed arms and great posture. All of these things are the mark
of an approachable person who's great at putting others at ease, so
make mental notes!
#3: Build up your conversation game
Now, there are several aspects to getting this right. First of
all, you can make better conversation by having something RELEVANT
to talk about.
That's why you need to raise your awareness of the world around
you. Check out the web, your morning paper or listen to the news
on the radio on the way to work to get a better grasp of what's
going on.
Being up-to-date on culture is a great way to establish some common
ground to start on with a stranger. Furthermore, read up on stuff
that interests you.
It doesn't have to be deeply philosophical stuff - unless you
happen to be into that, which is just as cool. The point is to
have something interesting to say so that you can use it as a
springboard for a conversation.
Here's another tip: think of great anecdotes that you can insert
into your chat. As much as possible, it should be a funny story
about the time when you got into a bit of a jam but turned out
fine.
The beauty of this is that it implies you have social value since
you had it in you to deal with a problem. Furthermore, recounting
it in a humorous way doesn't make it sound like you're bragging;
also, jokes put the other person at ease.
Oh, avoid being self-centered as well. People like it when you're
genuinely interested in what they have to say. Have an open ear
and ask related questions as a follow-up to their input.
For instance, if THEY told you a funny story, try asking with a
smile, "Well, how'd that work out?" Responses like these really
help get the conversation in high gear.
Lastly, a good conversationalist is excellent at rephrasing another
person's thoughts in their own words. Let's say the person you're
talking to tells you about their love of traveling.
You can say, "That's really cool, I know where you're coming from.
Just last week, my friends and I went to the other town to attend a
concert. I just love the feeling of packing my stuff and hitting
the road to go off somewhere, don't you?"
Bingo! You've now taken what they value and REFLECTED it by
echoing their own sentiments back to them. That just creates GOOD
VIBES all around, trust me!
To wrap things up, I have to tell you that being a more sociable
woman is the key to getting that date. A good set of social skills
helps greatly in drawing quality guys instead of repelling them.
And if you want to guarantee you don't drive him away with your
fears and insecurities, it's time to deal to your self confidence
once and for all
cases where fear is a natural reaction during certain contexts.
For instance, it's ok to feel a little giddy if you're at a
prospective employer's office for a job and you're waiting for your
turn to be called. Or maybe there was a time when you were jittery
because you had to speak or perform in front of a large crowd.
For scenarios like those, it's common for the average person to
feel a bit nervous from the anticipation. But what if the most
ordinary of interactions terrified you?
You've got a bigger challenge ahead of you if you're unnecessarily
wound up from simply talking to strangers in ordinary situations.
If the thought of chatting with the barista at your local coffee
shop makes you want to shy away, then you have to do something
about it.
You'll need a way to deal with this unusual amount of anxiety if
you want to have a better dating life. If it's difficult for you
to make small talk during "low pressure" situations, you'll
definitely have a harder time holding a full conversation during an
emotionally-charged event such as a date.
There are individuals who went through a phase of bashfulness in
their lives (such as childhood or adolescence), but eventually
outgrew it. Then there are people that had no problems with
shyness in the past, but experience social anxiety later on.
You see, fearfully reacting to a given situation is NOT who you are
as a person, but simply a BEHAVIOR that you can learn to OVERCOME.
Being shy isn't part of your personality; you're just having
trouble dealing with self-consciousness when made to face people
you don't know.
Besides, sometimes it's actually OK to hold back and evaluate an
unfamiliar situation before diving in. In some circumstances,
you'll need to have a good feel of the social boundaries before
saying or doing something.
Otherwise, you could risk offending the people around you or end up
embarrassing yourself.
However, there are unusual cases where a woman avoids interaction
in ANY situation in her life. For these girls, they'd rather not
talk to anyone because their shyness has become a "security
blanket" to protect them from committing a social blunder.
In short, this habitual anxiety can develop into a sort of crutch
to help someone get by. The problem is that you'll always pass up
the different opportunities and eventually regret not having
accomplished much.
Here's another nasty side effect of shyness: it can actually AFFECT
OTHERS, even if they're naturally outspoken!
If a cute guy started a conversation with you and all you did was
give him a bunch of "go away" signals, he'll feel uncomfortable -
or worse, rejected! It's pretty funny to think that you DO want
him to talk to you, yet you're simultaneously terrified by the very
possibility.
On a larger scale, a lack of reception or responsiveness causes
people to see you as snobbish, when in reality you'd make a great
friend (or girlfriend for that matter). It's tough for a reserved
person to want company since they LACK the social SKILLS to have
it.
So, just because you're shy doesn't mean you don't want to have
more friends or a quality man in your life. Therefore, it's
crucial to take the steps in ridding yourself of this excessive
shyness because it could be affecting the general quality of your
life.
If you truly WANT to address this issue, you'll have to PROMISE to
yourself that you'll do what's needed to pull this off. I'll walk
you through some very effective ways to eventually lose your sense
of fear in social situations.
# 1: Acknowledge your fear
Sounds simple enough, right? Well, it is. Nonetheless, it's still
very important to ADMIT to yourself that you do have a problem with
social anxiety.
How could you begin to deal with your social anxiety if you can't
even bring yourself to face truth in the first place? As such,
owning up to your shortcomings is the first step towards
self-improvement.
It doesn't make you less of a woman to acknowledge these things.
All you're really doing is facing a problem, just like everybody
else does.
Speaking of everybody, don't forget about the human tendency to
fear the unknown. It's pretty normal to feel some form of anxiety
if you're thrust into unfamiliar territory.
While the level of fear varies among different people, anyone
treading on new ground will inevitably experience a measure of
uncertainty, whether they like it or not. So don't think you're
defective in some way - you're simply coming to terms with an issue
and finding the strength to deal with it.
#2: Baby steps are better than big ones
Don't try getting into the thick of a large social occasion (like a
party) without any preparation. This sort of "shock therapy" won't
cure you of your anxiety!
Remember that you still need to work on your social skills before
moving on to the big leagues. If you rush too far ahead, you could
just be getting into an awkward situation when you run out of
things to say or freeze up during a conversation.
A better approach is to start off small and go from there. I
suggest you begin your "training" with minor things like chatting
up the bank clerk or the good-looking fellow at the grocery line.
Look around you - life is full of opportunities for you to initiate
a casual conversation with total strangers. It may not seem like a
big deal, but in fact, it's tremendously helpful in overcoming your
shyness.
(Just be mindful of good timing - you wouldn't be making good
rapport if you walked up behind someone in a dark alley just to ask
them what time it was!)
Just the other day, I watched an online video made by a guy who did
it as a sort of a social experiment. His goal was to approach and
start a conversation with at least twenty different people in a
shopping mall.
So he had a friend film him as he walked up to various strangers
and stated talking to them. At the end of the shoot, he explained
how LIBERATING it was to free himself of the fear of interacting
with so many people.
While I don't really recommend you to do that yourself, it does say
something about the value of developing IMMUNITY to social anxiety.
So the next time you get the chance to talk to someone you might
never see again, TAKE IT. If that feels like taking a huge step
for you, then it probably is.
What's important is that you're taking it anyway. Besides, there
are fringe benefits to be had as well.
Bonding with someone through talking can actually make your day a
little better. The act of having of a conversation is in fact a
pleasurable activity, so get out there and start chatting!
#2: Align yourself with outgoing folks
One of the other problems related to shyness is that such an
attitude only begets even more shyness. Like I said earlier, your
aversion towards conversation can make others uncomfortable, thus
causing them to be shy in the process.
So, another good solution is by hanging around people who have no
problems with shyness. Their outgoing nature is actually
contagious. It's just a matter of allowing them to "infect" you
with their positive energy.
Make an effort to be open to such people whenever they're nearby.
Whether it's the bubbly co-worker who sits next you at the office
or the equally effervescent attendant waiting tables at your
favorite restaurant, make sure to be receptive when they start
talking to you.
On another note, you can learn a lot from their easy and
free-flowing style of communication. You essentially have a better
shot at being better at something by observing the folks who are
good at it.
Pay attention to their body language: notice their big gestures,
uncrossed arms and great posture. All of these things are the mark
of an approachable person who's great at putting others at ease, so
make mental notes!
#3: Build up your conversation game
Now, there are several aspects to getting this right. First of
all, you can make better conversation by having something RELEVANT
to talk about.
That's why you need to raise your awareness of the world around
you. Check out the web, your morning paper or listen to the news
on the radio on the way to work to get a better grasp of what's
going on.
Being up-to-date on culture is a great way to establish some common
ground to start on with a stranger. Furthermore, read up on stuff
that interests you.
It doesn't have to be deeply philosophical stuff - unless you
happen to be into that, which is just as cool. The point is to
have something interesting to say so that you can use it as a
springboard for a conversation.
Here's another tip: think of great anecdotes that you can insert
into your chat. As much as possible, it should be a funny story
about the time when you got into a bit of a jam but turned out
fine.
The beauty of this is that it implies you have social value since
you had it in you to deal with a problem. Furthermore, recounting
it in a humorous way doesn't make it sound like you're bragging;
also, jokes put the other person at ease.
Oh, avoid being self-centered as well. People like it when you're
genuinely interested in what they have to say. Have an open ear
and ask related questions as a follow-up to their input.
For instance, if THEY told you a funny story, try asking with a
smile, "Well, how'd that work out?" Responses like these really
help get the conversation in high gear.
Lastly, a good conversationalist is excellent at rephrasing another
person's thoughts in their own words. Let's say the person you're
talking to tells you about their love of traveling.
You can say, "That's really cool, I know where you're coming from.
Just last week, my friends and I went to the other town to attend a
concert. I just love the feeling of packing my stuff and hitting
the road to go off somewhere, don't you?"
Bingo! You've now taken what they value and REFLECTED it by
echoing their own sentiments back to them. That just creates GOOD
VIBES all around, trust me!
To wrap things up, I have to tell you that being a more sociable
woman is the key to getting that date. A good set of social skills
helps greatly in drawing quality guys instead of repelling them.
And if you want to guarantee you don't drive him away with your
fears and insecurities, it's time to deal to your self confidence
once and for all
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