Living with Children

by Michael Webb


A lot of my readers commented that a big mistake made when they
became parents is forgetting they were a husband/wife.  It is very
tempting to let this cute little bundle of joy become the center of
your world and to identify yourself first as mom or dad.  Your
husband or wife should always come first.  While that might sound
unloving to your children, it actually gives them a great deal of
comfort and stability knowing that their parents are very much in
love with each other.

The following are tips sent in by readers.

Be sure to let your children see you kissing, holding hands and
snuggling.  They might find it gross at some stage in their life
but it will be an invaluable lesson as to the importance of
intimacy in a relationship.

Spend time making memories instead of spending money making
clutter; children enjoy the boxes more than the toys that came
inside.

Schedules breed security; it's is really nice to know what will
happen next, especially, when you're talking about food, or parents
coming home.

Church is important.  Go as a couple and continue after the
children come along.  Start early by taking the child and establish
the pattern of going as a family.  Church fellowship and others
giving encouragement is needed, especially in this day and age when
families are so fractured.  We need the mentoring of older godly
men and women.

When the children misbehave, be united in your discipline!  Even if
you don't agree with a particular decision, stand united.  Kids
learn quickly how to divide and conquer and play one parent against
the other.

If at all possible be a stay at home Mom all through their
schooling. The first thing teens yell out when they come home is
"Mom."  It isn't only the young ones that need a parent in the home
to meet them, the teens do too even if they would never admit to
it.  A smoothly run home and a sense of calm at home are worth a
great deal more.

Limit what the children can be involved in.  They don't need to be
doing every activity or sport that comes along. Especially don't
start too early.  Let the kids be kids and let them have child's
play. You may want your child to excel at some particular activity,
but remember it is you that will be taking them to all the
practices and going to all the games, bringing the snack and buying
the coaches gift at the end of the season.  These activities all
have their place but shouldn't take over family life.

Do not let the kids interfere with you and your mates sex life.  Do
not say, "We can't do it now the kids will hear."  So what if they
hear, how did they get here?  In all actuality if the children
happen to hear you, and are old enough to realize what is going on,
they will be happy knowing that their parents love each other.

Children learn by example.  Even though they may cry when you go
out to a movie, plead that you take them with you, even find ways
to try to make the two of you feel guilty, DON'T give into that!
The example of being a loving couple to your spouse will far
outweigh the fear they have when you go out on your 'date'.
Reassure them, make sure they are comfortable and safe with the
person you are leaving them with, you may even give them a call
before they go to bed, but do not ruin your marriage to save a
relationship with your children.  It will only backfire later.
They will see that if they whine enough they will get their way and
become spoiled by you.

We have consistently put the children to bed together, keeping a
routine that they can count on through the years.  As the children
have gotten older the routine is Daddy doing the "flying bananas
into bed" routine while Mommy prepares to read a story or hear
bedtime prayers.  Once the children are in bed, we know we have
time to steal away to our little "haven" to enjoy recounting the
day and listing the blessings together.

My husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 years; combined we
have 5 children ages 3-12.  We home school full-time in addition to
the many various extra activities that the children belong to.
Everyone knows that Friday nights belong to Mom & Dad!  We may go
out to eat; take in a movie; or just go to the bedroom and lock the
door!  Just these few hours alone seem to recharge our batteries to
keep the FAMILY a healthy & happy unit.

I have been divorced for twelve years and one of the things that
might have helped us keep our relationship strong would have been
to leave the kids with a babysitter once in a while.  We never did
that, we never even thought of doing that.  Once the kids were born
we never went out as just a couple.  Again, we never even thought
of it, too bad, because, even though we love our kids so very much
we lost touch with each other.

The very first thing we decided was that our bedroom was off
limits. Not only children, but mother/mother-in-law, friend,
guests...and so on.  It is our peaceful haven from the world.  We
decorated it in a pleasing manner to both of us and we can both
relax after work and kid's bedtime with disruption.

The kids know they will be going to bed at the same time every
night. If a television show comes on after bedtime we will tape it
for them. There is not discussion or argument on this issue.  This
in turn allows my husband and me at least 2 hours of 'child-free'
time in the evenings.

Although schedules are wonderful, it is important to also teach
your children early on to be flexible. Otherwise, it is impossible
to travel or do other things that might make them miss a nap or eat
a couple hours late. Rigid children can turn into rigid adults, and
that is not a good thing.