If you read as much as I do about relationships, you know
that non-traditional relationships are increasingly
supplanting marriage as the marriage rate continues to
decline, more couples choose to live together before
marrying, and there is increasingly legal recognition of
such "de facto" relationships.
Even though roughly three-fourths of American high school
seniors (82% of girls, 70% of boys) agree that "having a
good marriage and family life is extremely important"
(Source: The State of Our Unionis 2007, p.11), they are
much less likely than any generation in history to
actually get married.
Is that diamond engagement ring and dream wedding that we
imagined as children now as outdated as the notion of a
white picket fence, 2.5 children, and living off one
income?
To answer this question, we have to delve deeper into an
even bigger question:
In the past, romantic love wasn't necessary for a
successful marriage. Men and women united in a financial
and practical partnership, devoted to the serious business
of survival. Domestic chores such as washing and cooking
were a full-time job without the benefit of washing
machines and electronic appliances.
I saw this for myself first-hand. When I lived in a
village in South America, I spent at least three hours
every weekend washing my clothes on a smooth rock and
carrying buckets of water from the house to the
lavanderia. Plus, with no refrigeration and only a gas
stove to cook on, I had to cook each meal from scratch ...
and there were no convenience foods like microwave meals
to make it easy!
As a single person living alone, I was an anomaly. If a
young man or woman wanted to leave their parents' home,
the only way to do it was to get married and form their
own family. There just weren't enough hours in the day to
work full-time and do all the basic household chores on
one's own. Marriage was a necessary partnership, bound
together by the practical constraints of making a life and
cemented by a shared faith and cultural values.
Luckily, most of us in developed countries don't have
those financial, social, and cultural pressures to form a
partnership with a man simply for the business of
survival. Men and women no longer need one another in the
same way.
As a result, there are fewer ties binding us. We are free
to hook up and break up at will. We date for pleasure and
avoid mentioning our long-term intentions for fear of
scaring the other person off
For many, the only criteria that a relationship must
satisfy is: "Are we getting along, and am I having fun?"
Once the relationship stops being fun or once the
arguments start, it's sayonara
According to The State of Our Unions 2007, "marriage is
now based almost entirely on close friendship and romantic
love.... Today, a successful marriage rests almost
entirely on how well one gets along, intimately and for
the long term, with someone of the opposite sex" (12).
So what's required in relationships today is something
much more difficult....
You have to be one another's soulmate. You have to be one
another's best friend. You have to understand and accept
the idiosyncracies of the opposite sex. You have to
contribute to your partner's quality of life, such that
it's more fun being with you than being single.
No wonder so many of our unions break up, with such high
standards to live up to!
Think of your oldest friend. Were there times that you two
argued? Were there times that you two stopped "liking" one
another? Were there times that you thought your friendship
was over for good?
Of course there were. The longer you're with someone, the
more likely it is that you're going to annoy one another
at times.
There are many men and women who actively avoid intimacy
and hold back in a relationship precisely because of this.
They're worried that the more time they spend with their
beloved - and the closer they become - the faster they'll
hurtle towards that horrible moment of realization that
they've spent too much time together and they're starting
to annoy one another.
That moment when you're not having as much fun together as
you were.
That moment when you suddenly realize that you wish you
were on your own rather than your partner.
That moment when you don't particularly like your partner
anymore.
So what in the world is strong enough to keep us in
relationships once things stop being fun?
What is powerful enough to convince someone who's not
enjoying a relationship to stay in it?
Is love enough? Are promises that things will change
enough? Is a good sex life enough? Is your history
together enough? Is having children together enough? Are
shared religious beliefs enough? I'm not convinced that
any of the above is enough, on their own.
I'm sure that you, like me, know of couples for whom not
love, not a great sex life, not even their children was
enough to keep their relationship together.
Sometimes it can feel like there's nothing that can
guarantee that you'll stick it out and survive those times
when you feel more like enemies than best friends
that non-traditional relationships are increasingly
supplanting marriage as the marriage rate continues to
decline, more couples choose to live together before
marrying, and there is increasingly legal recognition of
such "de facto" relationships.
Even though roughly three-fourths of American high school
seniors (82% of girls, 70% of boys) agree that "having a
good marriage and family life is extremely important"
(Source: The State of Our Unionis 2007, p.11), they are
much less likely than any generation in history to
actually get married.
So what does this mean for us?
Is that diamond engagement ring and dream wedding that we
imagined as children now as outdated as the notion of a
white picket fence, 2.5 children, and living off one
income?
To answer this question, we have to delve deeper into an
even bigger question:
Historical Relationships
In the past, romantic love wasn't necessary for a
successful marriage. Men and women united in a financial
and practical partnership, devoted to the serious business
of survival. Domestic chores such as washing and cooking
were a full-time job without the benefit of washing
machines and electronic appliances.
I saw this for myself first-hand. When I lived in a
village in South America, I spent at least three hours
every weekend washing my clothes on a smooth rock and
carrying buckets of water from the house to the
lavanderia. Plus, with no refrigeration and only a gas
stove to cook on, I had to cook each meal from scratch ...
and there were no convenience foods like microwave meals
to make it easy!
As a single person living alone, I was an anomaly. If a
young man or woman wanted to leave their parents' home,
the only way to do it was to get married and form their
own family. There just weren't enough hours in the day to
work full-time and do all the basic household chores on
one's own. Marriage was a necessary partnership, bound
together by the practical constraints of making a life and
cemented by a shared faith and cultural values.
Relationships Today
Luckily, most of us in developed countries don't have
those financial, social, and cultural pressures to form a
partnership with a man simply for the business of
survival. Men and women no longer need one another in the
same way.
As a result, there are fewer ties binding us. We are free
to hook up and break up at will. We date for pleasure and
avoid mentioning our long-term intentions for fear of
scaring the other person off
For many, the only criteria that a relationship must
satisfy is: "Are we getting along, and am I having fun?"
Once the relationship stops being fun or once the
arguments start, it's sayonara
If your man is starting to pull away from you, there
are things you can do to help him reconnect:According to The State of Our Unions 2007, "marriage is
now based almost entirely on close friendship and romantic
love.... Today, a successful marriage rests almost
entirely on how well one gets along, intimately and for
the long term, with someone of the opposite sex" (12).
So what's required in relationships today is something
much more difficult....
You have to be one another's soulmate. You have to be one
another's best friend. You have to understand and accept
the idiosyncracies of the opposite sex. You have to
contribute to your partner's quality of life, such that
it's more fun being with you than being single.
No wonder so many of our unions break up, with such high
standards to live up to!
What Breaks Relationships Apart
Think of your oldest friend. Were there times that you two
argued? Were there times that you two stopped "liking" one
another? Were there times that you thought your friendship
was over for good?
Of course there were. The longer you're with someone, the
more likely it is that you're going to annoy one another
at times.
There are many men and women who actively avoid intimacy
and hold back in a relationship precisely because of this.
They're worried that the more time they spend with their
beloved - and the closer they become - the faster they'll
hurtle towards that horrible moment of realization that
they've spent too much time together and they're starting
to annoy one another.
That's really the crisis point, isn't it?
That moment when you're not having as much fun together as
you were.
That moment when you suddenly realize that you wish you
were on your own rather than your partner.
That moment when you don't particularly like your partner
anymore.
So what in the world is strong enough to keep us in
relationships once things stop being fun?
What is powerful enough to convince someone who's not
enjoying a relationship to stay in it?
It might be a case of you not understanding him. Be the
dream woman that finally 'gets him'...
Is love enough? Are promises that things will change
enough? Is a good sex life enough? Is your history
together enough? Is having children together enough? Are
shared religious beliefs enough? I'm not convinced that
any of the above is enough, on their own.
I'm sure that you, like me, know of couples for whom not
love, not a great sex life, not even their children was
enough to keep their relationship together.
Sometimes it can feel like there's nothing that can
guarantee that you'll stick it out and survive those times
when you feel more like enemies than best friends
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