The Out-Laws in your family

Love them or hate them, nearly every married person interacts with
his or her in-laws on a regular basis.

In-laws have the potential to destroy a perfectly blissful
relationship if we let them.  They also have the ability to save
marriages when the road gets rocky if we seek their advice.  How we
deal with our extended families is a core element in our quest for
a blissful relationship.

All men and women should realize that when they get married, they
have created a new family.  Your new husband or wife becomes your
new family.  Everyone else is part of the "extended" family --
which means they should not be as close to you as your spouse.
Your mom, dad, sisters and brothers lose their priority and
importance in your life. If you are not ready to place them below
your mate, then you probably aren't ready to get married.

This is a very difficult concept for many parents to embrace.
After all, they spend twenty or so years being the number one
person in their child's eye.  They sacrificed so much to bring
their child to this point in their life.  But hopefully, they have
reared their offspring to become adults, not to stay as children.
Many men and women have to respectfully, but forcefully let their
parents know that they are all grown up and that their husband/wife
is now their number one priority and center of their life.

Here are some tips on dealing with in-laws.

* When you are first married, DO NOT live with in-laws (unless it
is your country's custom).  If you cannot afford a place of your
own, then why are you getting married now?  I can't emphasize this
point strongly enough.

* Make a rule that your in-laws cannot just "drop by" the first
year or more of your marriage.  Better yet, live at least an hour
or two away from them so you can work on building your own
relationship instead of spending so much time with other family
members.

* If you spend more time each week talking with your parents (in
person or on the phone) than you do with your spouse, then you know
something needs tweaking in your relationship.

* If you and your mate argue or fight, resist the temptation to run
home to your parents.  You need to learn to solve the problems in
your relationship and running away prolongs the solution.  Telling
your parents about all your marital problems makes it difficult for
them to support your marriage.

* If you need advice on a problem you are having in your
relationship, every once in a while talk it over with your in-laws.
 They will be honored that you came to them for advice and they
probably have some good insight into your mate that you could never
get from your own parents.

* Remember that every time you bad mouth your in-laws in front of
your mate, you are tearing up someone they love.

* Show your in-laws kindness even if they are unkind to you.
"Turning the other cheek" will earn you so much respect from your
mate and your in-laws.

* You do not have to visit your in-laws every time your spouse goes
to visit his family.  If they get offended, they need to grow up.

* Send notes and cards to your in-laws from time to time.  Sign
your name only so they know it is just from you.

* Do not let your parents or your in-laws pressure you into having
"grandchildren for them."  If and when you have children is NONE OF
THEIR BUSINESS.  If you need them to "get off your back" tell them
that having children is a private matter between you and your
spouse and that you will let them know when you are expecting.

* If your parents or in-laws are rude, nasty, hateful and negative,
you do not have to visit them.  You can't choose your parents but
you can choose your family.  Just because someone gave birth to you
does not give her any right to ruin your day.  Don't feel guilty
for not visiting extended family that is abusive or demeaning to
you, your spouse or children.

* Come up with a good game plan for holidays.  (see my article -
Decision Time)

* If you are not already engaged, try to spend as much time with
the in-laws as possible, especially if your sweetheart is close to
his or her family.  You need to know what you are getting into.

* Another benefit of getting to know your potential mate's parents
is to see what type of person he or she will potentially become in
10, 20 or 30 years.  Our parents do pass on their genes to us and
like it or not, we often "become like our mother/father."

One final bit of advice for you and your in-laws. Love them, like
them or simply respect them. There is no room in a blissful
relationship for hate.